defending the silver lining.

helplessness is such an odd sensation. for a few minutes off and on throughout each day my brain says "this isn't really happening." then from the same organ the next thought comes quickly: "yes it is, it will, and there's nothing to stop it." i'm updating partially because i don't want people to worry and partially because i have to keep "going".

i did not keep "going" this week. i've done little to no work, little to no cleaning, little to no shopping for groceries, and little to no eating and surprisingly: little to no TV watching.

last night i went to see the "young playwright's festival" it was at the coterie theatre and keenan was reading in two of the plays. of course i thought he was the best part of it...but i'm willing to admit that i may not be an unbiased source.

he has two more shows today and then another reading for a play at the unicorn in may. also u:bug:me begins soon. i am looking forward to hearing some additional violin playing going on again...it's been awhile since the last role that he played it for.

otherwise we are not sure what next season has in store for him. he has had some auditions lately and has some call-backs scheduled and more auditions. so he waits.

my weekend will be (solo again)...

• bare at the unicorn theatre
• maybe yard sales (if it ever quits raining)
• hopefully cleaning
• soup (the only thing i have an appetite for)
• it's national scrapbooking day/weekend too...hopefully my motivation returns
• finalizing my trip to colorado (flying on southwest? renting a car? staying a week)

Have a wonderful weekend. Thank you for everything you've already done, whether it's been sitting with me, making me soup, phone calls, cards & emails, facebook messages, blog comments, texts and prayers. You've defended the silver lining. And I appreciate all of it.

much love.

the other shoe...

My weekend took a twist I wasn't expecting. What are we ever expecting?

I found out Saturday night. My paternal grandmother was dx'd with stage IV active colon cancer. She's in her early 70's. We will find out the prognosis on Tuesday.

So probably needless to say, I didn't achieve the sleep I was hoping for. I am not sure much of what I did this weekend, besides walking around like a zombie.

i <3 my life...

"I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too. Thursday I don't care about you, it's Friday, I'm in love." -The Cure

Today started out right. I brought surprise cinnamon rolls to my clients. They were very happy (& frosting covered)! Then I realized I forgot my planner...this is bad. I actually might as well not even be at work.

Without my planner I am useless. This makes me think I should succumb to my company's pressure to get a blackberry. I realize my incapability to "turn off" from work, so a blackberry has always been an addictive thought that I shouldn't pursue. Although as I sit here and worry that I may have an afternoon meeting, blackberry is looking more and more attractive.

I am nearing the anniversary of moving to Kansas City & taking my job, and I feel so blessed lately. I am truly in love with Kansas City, love my company...now to move into the perfect (for now) apartment!

Don't get me wrong. My apartment now is nearly perfect...is in a beautiful neighborhood, a stones throw from the Plaza. Totally safe. But it's the size of a breadbox. My bathroom is so tiny the shower curtain can't even hang freely in the space between the vanity and the tub. The kitchen is narrow and has no counter space. And there is NO storage space (only 1 tiny closet).

Turns out the perfect (for now) apartment is up two floors. No moving van for me, just a LOT of stair climbing. Moving to a two bedroom on the third floor. The best thing about the building is how quiet it is and how safe it is. I am so glad that I am not leaving those things behind. Plus the third floor is the top floor, so no people vacuuming at 6am on Sunday anymore. And no more worrying about leaving the windows open at night.

Weekend agenda...Keenan works all weekend, so it will be another installment of dating myself (whenever I go to a meal, or a movie alone for the past couple years, with the tour and then our separate work schedules this is a lot...I think of it as a date- with myself). I actually like dates with myself, I get to pick everything, leave when I want and eavesdrop on others shamelessly. Eavesdropping is hard to do when you have to keep up conversation.

So on the agenda this weekend...

Hair, the Musical
Yard sales
Baking (I finally replenished the sugar canister)
Reading (The History of Love)

Pretty sparse, to allow for lots of sleeping. I need to sleep. And then there's TV...my guilty pleasure TV show is on tonight: Mistresses on BBC America. It's completely soap-esque and tawdry, which is why I love it. Sunday night TV- Brothers & Sisters and In Treatment (LOVE).

I will now sign off of the worlds most meaningless blog post. Have a fantastic weekend, whatever is on your agenda.

columbine, thinking of you...

“Every year feels closer to what I once knew as normal. Life is a shoreline, a wet-dry line between normal and the awkward. The awkward piece is that to return to normal I must walk in the very doors that we frantically exited one spring day.” -K. Leyba, Columbine High School survivor & teacher.

April 20, 1999. I remember being in the crosswalk of my junior college heading from home to class and hearing the words "Did you hear about Colorado?" I rushed into the building where my class was and looked at the television. Columbine. That name tied a knot in my stomach.

My aunt was a public school teacher in Littleton, many of her past students were injured and some killed.

I sat in my comp 2 class wondering what had happened and wondering if my professor remembered her comment on my just-handed back editorial assignment about bullying in schools and violence in schools as something that "wasn't any worse than it ever was just more sensationalized." I wondered if she still felt as though I was buying into the "sensationalism". She told me I offered platitudes rather than solutions and that my writing was cliche (of course all of this was true...I was 19).

We (concerned citizens/people who wanted to reach out) drove around with our headlights on even during the day. As if we were all a part of a large funeral procession. Or as if we could shed a little light on some of the darkness.

Like any other big tragic touchstone in our culture you remember where you were, what you were doing etc. This was different for me. Maybe it was because I was a kid- a year out of high school. Whatever it was Columbine was jarring.

I logged onto the article on msn.com today to read about the stories of selected successful survivors of the trauma. In 2027 the legal depositions of the Klebolds and the Harris family will be available to the public, a judge locked them away until then. I wonder if they hold the answers. My guess is "no". There isn't an answer (as cliche and platitudinous as that may sound to my college comp teacher).

Thinking of you today Colorado, as if on anniversary cue.

home.

am back from the city. more on our adventures later. home sweet home.

new york. new york.

I think I'm probably avoiding something pretty big in my inner life, she said, because I'm keeping pretty busy -brian andreas

I must be emerging from my bronchitis-cocoon, just in time to head off to the city. (Now if I could just emerge from the rut I am in) Leaving Tuesday and returning on Sunday. Spending some time in NYC. Wish I was not too broke to have some new clothes...unfortunately my economy says "no".

I am excited about the trip, I am just rather overwhelmed with the task of leaving on-call plans for myself for the week. I have come to the conclusion that it is not simple to explain how to be me for a week.

It's my first vacation since Vegas a year ago(WHAT!), so I am happy to go. I would rather have Vegas weather but it will be nice to spend some time in NYC, hopefully. Looks like it will be a rainy week in the east, at least it's not supposed to be super-cold.

There is a deal in the works for getting a dog, so we'll see about that.

I've been broody lately...I need to get out of my head and live-- just out of sorts.

I've missed a lot of scrapping deadlines recently due to feeling like crud and being busy at work, and avoiding everything else...but I managed to get this page done. (yes I am obsessed w/ photos of my niece)