But no word or warning do you say. One minute right beside me, another you're a thousand miles away

When I said "I'll take it." I meant: as is. Just give up and admit you're an asshole... And I think you'd find that your friends would forgive you but maybe I'm just speaking for me.  - As Is by Ani Difranco

In an effort to practice what I preach...

I often tell clients that sometimes their pain lives in a place without words. Which seems only poetic, but it's actually true.  Trauma experiences are stored in the opposite hemisphere than language. So asking someone to process with words could be asking someone with a broken leg to walk to a hospital to set their leg.

I use Mandalas with clients in lieu of journaling occasionally because it provides a container (the circle) for their feelings, and a boundary. Also because if a client is not highly literate (or young) words can be intimidating and feeling like they are set up for failure before the activity even begins.

So here are two of mine.  I prefer oil pastels because I love to smudge and get my fingers messy and I title mine, a lot of times with song lyrics like the one below is a lyric from Possibility Days by the Counting Crows or with thoughts that I think they capture, like the top photo.  I always date them. Titling and dating is not necessary. It's just something I do to make it like a visual diary.  And yes, the top photo is inside my car.  I had the supplies in my work bag and I just had to "get it out."

Here's to the next step, which I am not happy about taking but not all of our steps make us feel thus.

Title from You're No Train (from Songs for a Hurricane) by Kris Delmhorst 

but you go on

Oh October, you always grab me and shake me and tear me open.  October has been a month (since 2001) that has meant so many joyful and heartwrenching things to me that it is difficult for my brain to sort out all that my heart feels. 

I am never sad to see it go. 

My best friend and I were recently having a discussion about October, and if it would be a good time to have a baby.  She remarked that it wouldn't because the baby would be born on my exhusbands birthday (with my luck).  But I said that it would.  No matter what, I am so conflicted about October.  I try to add happy occassions back into the month that has an opal as it's talisman. 

linking up with Stephanie

Fall, my favorite season. 

One of the best months in 2000 when my college boyfriend spent tons of time with me in a tiny apartment on the top floor of a house on Bluemont street

blueberry muffins and carmel lattes at Java

The song "This time of year" by Better than Ezra

political campaigning

sweet & sassy Mindy Reese

The song "Ghost" by the Indigo Girls

Annika Noelle

extravagant gifts and celebrations and surprises I would plan for my (eventual) exhusband

the year that Breann and I made the fairy costumes

meeting K

my play was born

Rocky Horror Picture Show

taking maternity photos in st. joseph at krug park with the leaves in my hair

Spaghetti Sloane

our wedding

You'd think that would be the ultimate trump card.  One of happiest days of my life...but it will take a lifetime of more happy things, until then I will just keep adding them one by one.

lyrics from October by U2 (it will haunt you-- no pun intended)

road rules apply

We are about to embark on one of my worst fears since having a child of my own.  Family vacation/road trip.  For 4 glorious days we will be in Winter Park with beautiful scenery and mild weather.  But before we get there we have to survive the 9 hour car trip. 

When I asked friends and family members how to survive such a dreadful experience they had one common solution: the IPad.  Unfortunately I don't have an IPad.  Unfortunate for me, that is.  I know myself and if I had anything worth 500ish$ my toddler's little grubbers wouldn't come anywhere near it. 

So I sat down to research and work out how to take a toddler on a trip without an IPad (Iphone, Ipod, anything with a touch screen).  And here is what I am going to try. 

I don't need statistics to tell me how short of an attention span my child has at 19 months.  But it is nice that the research backs up my anecdotal data. 

Ages 16 months - 19 months

Your child might be restless, but is able to sustain attention to one structured activity for 2-3 minutes.

This road trip without stops is 540 minutes.  That is roughly 216 intervals of attention paid to one thing.  This bit of math told me that this was serious.  This would require a multi-pronged plan. 

 
Before the trip, make sure you have rested.  You need to be able to outsmart the toddler at all times, if this sounds easy to you, you haven't had the pleasure to spend much time around a wily spry toddler. 

If you slip and accidentally show them a stray box of mac & cheese you've packed for later, you will no doubt have a request (think of this as a list of demands from a terrorist) that you cannot fulfill at a reststop. 

1. Variety is key-- I suppose with the prior math I blew my own mind with, this is a given.

2. Use things they didn't know existed...this means new or something you've hidden for a long time, this can be challenging because you cannot be sure that they will really be interested in it if they've never seen it.  Try to pattern the new things off of things they have.

3. Don't break the bank.  I read a blog post about this same topic where she linked all the toys she bought and it would have equalled my budget for the entire trip.  The key is finding things ahead of time, utilizing thrift and yard sales and the dollar store.  I am pretty sure Sloane will love the 1.00 stickers that I bought more than if I got her a new toy for her 2-3 minute attention span.  You can also check out books/videos at the library.  If they don't like them there is nothing lost (unless of course you lose the book). 

4.  Do not sacrifice your own sanity-- you need it: to drive and outsmart them at the same time.  Therefore limit toys that make annoying & loud sounds like the Dora guitar that your brother bought them for Christmas (thanks for nothing).   5.  Save something for the return trip.  Obviously the toys you use on the way there will not have the same sparkle on the way home.  So plan accordingly.  I have packed a lot of things with hidden compartments jam packed full of things for said toddler to root through (she has similar interests as a rodent).  

plenty of junk to lose in the rental car & in the mountains-- the lot of it was a garage sale steal for 1.00

  6. Plenty of snacks (duh). I tried to make the snacks entertaining as well by utilizing my good friend Pinterest. And found these...

She likes to shake out her "feesh"

and this for you more ambitious mommas and poppas (link for credit was broken)

 7.  This is where I would say "have fun you are creating precious memories"...but that doesn't sound like me at all.  So instead I leave you with this...don't forget your __________ (insert anti-anxiety med of choice) and your camera.      title courtesy of Dashboard Confessional: Road Rules Apply

Honest to God, x is always an unknown

Dearest Sloane,

We've had such a time with your health lately that it reminds me how thankful I am for you and your general good health.   You started running a low grade fever last Monday, and had no appetite at all.  We thought it was just that nasty teething (you got another one-- I thought you already had all 20!).  But Wednesday it got up to 101.3 and I got concerned so I called your doctor's office.  The nurse assured me that there were a lot of bugs going around.  She warned me if you got worse or you started to vomit to bring you in. 

At 3am Thursday you woke me up with your cries and you sounded different.  I picked you up and you were burning up...103.9 and you had vomitted all over your bed.   Thank God aunt Tay is a nurse and Grammy works nights.  I called her and she helped me through it, the three of us women decided (with no objection from your dad) that we had to take you in to the ER.  I secretly (not so secretly now) fear being one of those parents...you know the ones who take their kid in to the ER for every little sniffle.  But something told me this wasn't a virus.  

And there was this nagging thing...When I was just a girl my mom's cousin lost their 20 month old toddler to meningitis.  They thought she just had the flu.  So even if I was going to turn out to be wrong I put you into your carseat at 2:45 am and met grammy at the ER.  I told your daddy to sleep for now and I would text him if we needed him since both of us were supposed to work the next day.  

It was so hard to see you in that hospital bed.  You looked tiny.   

This adventure hasn't been nearly this fun

We had wonderful nurses, radiology technician and doctor.  You were a tough little girl but you cried each time someone touched you (which there was a lot of).  Everytime you were touched you would look at me and sign "please" and say "bye bye" to the nurse or doctor.  It was so pitifully cute and heartbreaking.   I am so glad Dudley the monkey was there, he wore your hospital bracelet, so they scanned him each time they came to do something for you or give you a med.  After they would scan him you would proudly say "beep beep". 

The doctor ordered a throat culture (negative) a chest xray (indicating bronchitis) and a straight catheter urine collection (thank God for pediatric nurses) which was positive for a UTI.  The fever, malaise, and lack of appetite suddenly made sense.  You had an infection all along.   We got to go home at 5 am with an antibiotic.  We went to grammy's to camp out so that you could have your grammy and your personal RN--aunt Tay.  You area  lucky little lady.   

The next day you woke up with 102.9 and were shivering like mad.  I called your pediatrician to follow up and they wanted to see you right away.  You were not excited to return to a doctor's office.  You screamed through the check and especially the shot of antibiotics.

They asked me to bring you in again the next day.  You got another antibiotic shot and an appointment for a kidney sonogram and blood panel.   




They gave you a balloon because they felt so sorry for you



We are still working through this infection.  We are watching you closely for dehydration since you are running an intermittant fever, still little appetite and have had diarreaha for days.  Poor baby will have 2 more visits guaranteed, and we are hoping that is it.  

As I was driving you to grammy's late this morning my mind was in a pity party for you/us after everything we've gone through.  I was jolted back to reality when I was pulled over for speeding in a noon time school zone.  Just a reminder of my good luck.  You waved at him, which was great it made him feel really bad, more than once he said "I wish I didn't have to do this".  But he still gave me a ticket.  Of course.  I must remind myself, it can always (and will) get worse.

title courtesy of the new Counting Crows cover album Underwater Sunshine: song "Hospital"  

it's a big enough umbrella, but it's always me that ends up getting wet

Interestingly, I was on my way to pay my car payment last night after work, in rush hour, when my car went haywire and quit. It is not fun to stand on the side of the interstate highway waiting for the tow truck for two hours normally. It sucks worse when it is 100 degrees outside and 5pm. It sucks the worst when you are also pregnant.

Of course it was Keenan's opening night for HEAD (Cheers!) so he couldn't help me. My Sprint Roadside Rescue is worth it's weight in gold to me (Seriously, if you drive a used car, or if you have luck like mine, you must have it).

At least the baby is learning early what an independent mama s/he has.

And although tempted I never cried (my bank account will surely cry later).

It's so funny no matter what breaks how you envitabley think "but it was just working."

Of course I spent the rest of the night sick from the heat. Today needs to be better, I spent most of the night praying it will be.

title courtesy of The Police: Every little thing she does is magic