my heart is full and my door's always open, you come any time you want

It's roughly 30 days away from my 30th birthday. 2009 didn't quite bring what I was thinking it would. But alas, I must be just where I am supposed to be.

It's interesting how later in life you can see the same thing differently. Here are some things I see differently now.

Pop Culture Miscellany
1. Scarlett O'Hara (Gone w/ the Wind) was a fool. I used to love her, identify with her. Now I just realize how much she lied to herself.

2. Daisy Buchanan (The Great Gatsby) was a horrible person. I first identified with her, then Gatsby and now I am somewhere between Gatsby and the narrator Nick Carraway.

3. All those songs about secret love affairs are not romantic. They are sad.

4. I hope Jay Z is wrong. I don't want 30 to be "the new 20". I don't need to be "hot still". I just want to be better.

Life Miscellany

1. My mother was always right.

2. You can no more make someone love you than you can make the sun rise.

3. Everything cannot be your fault, unless you are also all powerful. (I am not, therefore, it isn't all my fault).

4. There will always be someone who is prettier, and younger.

5. I am no longer attracted to musicians. In my early twenties I was enamored with musicians as a whole. No one can break your heart like someone who uses your life/words/fights/quirks as material later, and then writes it into essential immortality.

6. It isn't all my fault, but some of it was.

7. Forgiving yourself feels better than losing 10 pounds. It might even look better than losing 10 pounds.

title courtesy of Maroon 5: She will be loved

your faith was strong, but you needed proof

found here

The weekend flew by. Knocked some things off the weekend agenda...

• The movie Brothers was intensely fantastic and has me all ready for Oscar season. Jake Gyllenhal was fabulous, and Toby Maguire had a strong performance. Also the screenplay is AMAZING. So real.
• Randy's (step-dad) 50th birthday party went well. We met in Topeka at Outback Steakhouse. My niece and I colored. She wanted to order ribs, she's 4.
• About half of my Christmas shopping is done
• Baking was successful
• Watched Four Christmases on demand and thought it was cutely typical
• Meaningful amounts of hot liquids (tea & cocoa)
• Watched FB with Dad, Cam & Matt at Kites in Shawnee
• Missed my girlfriends but kept up with their antics via text message
• Read a self-help book that did not help me

title courtesy of Jeff Buckley, Hallejuah (although I prefer to listen to the Rufus Wainwright cover of it)

So we must love while these moments are still called "today"

An update of sorts was called for, by the masses (actually only by Kate). But really, I've been meaning to get on here anyway.

So I've had this "sinus infection" since October. I couldn't hear, I couldn't breathe and I've had a terrible headache, and strangely the more I rested the worse I felt. I had anti-biotics and they didn't work, so then I went back to the doctor thinking I needed another round of antibiotics. She told me everything looked to be an uncontrolled allergy. Allergy to what? I became horrified that mold must be growing unseen in my apartment, that I had suddenly grown allergic to Keenan or something. I started taking my Zyrtec and Flonase, usually reserved for hay fever season and started to feel a little better. Then I sat down last Friday night and began to watch The Medium.

The episode showed the medium, Alison getting a round of tests from FEMA...and the technician asked her "Are you sleeping on a feather pillow, you shouldn't be, you're allergic." Interesting. Then I began to think of how I sleep on all feather pillows (3 of them) and with a down comforter. If I was allergic to feathers I was seriously sabotaging myself. Intrerestingly, my brother, sister and father are allergic to feather pillows. Time for a clinical trial.

So, for the past 5 nights, no feathers in my sleeping environment, keep taking the allergy stuff, because the doctor mentioned that the allergic reaction in my sinuses was significant. I am now waking up without a headache. My ears are slowly (very slowly) receding in pressure and I am feeling less congestion.

I am realizing I may have found the solution without having to make an appointment with an allergist. Fingers crossed, I keep improving.

Onto all things weekend: Last weekend was abysmal. I was on-call. Sometimes that means nothing, no one calls all weekend. Other times, like last weekend, it is hell on wheels.

However in the midst of chaos I still had time for a dinner date with Keenan at my favorite restuarant Blanc Burgers & Bottles, and we also procured decor decorated our Christmas tree-- it's very matchy in shades of coffee gold, white lights and a bird topper. It even has one present beneath it, for a girl that hated Christmas, I have come a long way.

I am so happy to turn my phone off this weekend for things like...

Farragut Northat the Unicorn
the film Brothers
Finishing up Christmas shopping & a little crafting
Baking (yeah!) for a mandatory cookie exchange at work (6 doz, it's brutal, boo)
NFL Football
Copious amounts of cocoa

title courtesy of the Indigo Girls, History of Us

Happy Birthday dear Tiernan!

My nephew Tiernan is one today! I got to see him last weekend but unfortunately had to miss his big day today. From the videos and picture mail I keep getting it looks like he is having a fine day!

took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go

play along @ category stories

The prompt was "the best gift you've ever received". There is not much I love more than going to see a film. ET was the best gift (experience) ever from both my parents. It is the only memory I have of all three of us going to a movie together, and it was my first one. I bawled when ET had to leave Eliott behind. In fact I bawled out of the theatre, and all the way home and would get quite emotional talking about it for months afterward. Nothing has really ever had such an emotional impact as that "larger than life" first time at the theater.

I'd love to hear about your best gift ever.

title courtesy of Patty Griffin, Let Him Fly

on certain Sundays in November when the weather bothers me

Find this & other lovelies at Missed Connections

So excited to be going home for the holidays. I leave tomorrow evening and won't have to come back to reality until Sunday evening.

I have been thinking a lot lately (this is no change in status quo, but the topic is noveau) I am trying to become more accepting and excited about the holidays. I've been sort of a "Bah Humbug" kind of person for awhile, withstanding Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving. I think this is because it is not reduced to gift giving and materialism. It's about food and who you share it with. That is my kind of thing.

I am a horrible hater of gift giving and receiving. But I am trying to get better at it. I am trying to get better at it because growing up I had a Grammy that adored the holidays and a Mom who does too. I want to have that kind of environment for my own children someday. I figure I only have numbered more childfree holidays to practice on. So I may even deck the hall (I only have one in my apartment) and listen to an occasional carol...(however, my rules on Christmas cards and materialism still apply).

Happy Thanksgiving, and beginning to the holiday season!

title courtesy of The Counting Crows, Hard Candy

eating cheese on toast

So tonight I was planning on having a little Thanksgiving feast for Keenan and myself, since as per usual we will not be together for the holiday (see also *actor's schedule).

Unfortunately, for the first time ever, the pilot light is out in the gas stove. Luckily the range still works. So everything that was going to be baked...is now being scrapped and reconstructed to be cooked on the range, or in the slow cooker. So no turkey...we are having porkchops with stuffing and vegetables. And no pie, unfortunately I haven't found a dessert that I have the ingredients for that doesn't need to be baked. Probably running out for some heavy cream so I can whip up a mousse.

I do not trust anyone but my maitenance man to light the thing, so comments to that effect are worthless to me. *I mean that in the sweetest most honest way*

title courtesy of Kate Nash, Merry Happy