reality strikes back

I had a "back to reality" weekend. It was comforting to try and fit back into the routine again.

• Saw Angels & Demons Friday night (solo of course): <3
• Cleaned (really cleaned) the bathroom & kitchen
• Grocery shopping & Target (the real measure of returning to reality)
• Watched the season finales of LOST, Survivor & Mistresses + a Medium episode
• Extra sleep (much needed)
• Pedicure <3
• Upgraded my phone...got the LG Lotus <3>
• Breakfast at First Watch w/ Keenan
• Cooked my french onion pork chop skillet (still no appetite to eat it though)
• Sorted through & purged the mail, the junk drawer and half my closet (moving on June 8)!
• Coupon clipping

On Sunday night, after Survivor and In Treatment, I felt so sad to start this week. I know I will be swamped at work until at least Thursday (tomorrow is our Luau for the individuals, they are pumped for pizza & dancing!). And it's just another week where I barely see Keenan. Trying to keep my spirits up...

grammy

thanks everyone for the prayers, warm thoughts, cards, posts, messages, texts, emails and sweet phone calls. my amazing grandma passed away Saturday 5/9/09. her memorial service was beautiful and held in her home church in Sterling, Colorado.

thank you again everyone for keeping in touch with me and letting me know you care in this sad time.

unfortunately my family also lost another great woman, a friend of mine and my sister for 10 years Bev Stutterheim. She passed away Monday 5/11/09 while we were in Colorado. It was unexpected as well- I am not sure the shock of her passing has lifted yet. I hardly know what to think.

heavy boots.

"if we don't talk and we don't breathe, then time won't pass, and time's all we need." NJL

i spent my weekend frantically rushing 11 hours to colorado and then feeling the torturous part of love..knowing that even if i am holding onto you i can still lose you. and i will. and i can't stop it.

when there really isn't anything to say i find myself looking for comfort in others words. here's what i've been reading during these days. i'm vacillating between the book i am currently reading and one of my favorites...these words are all from my favorite.

"Why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future."

"In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York is in heavy boots."

"The end of suffering does not justify the suffering, and so there is no end to suffering."

"I hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you do not understand for someone you love."

jonathan safran foer....extremely loud & incredibly close

defending the silver lining.

helplessness is such an odd sensation. for a few minutes off and on throughout each day my brain says "this isn't really happening." then from the same organ the next thought comes quickly: "yes it is, it will, and there's nothing to stop it." i'm updating partially because i don't want people to worry and partially because i have to keep "going".

i did not keep "going" this week. i've done little to no work, little to no cleaning, little to no shopping for groceries, and little to no eating and surprisingly: little to no TV watching.

last night i went to see the "young playwright's festival" it was at the coterie theatre and keenan was reading in two of the plays. of course i thought he was the best part of it...but i'm willing to admit that i may not be an unbiased source.

he has two more shows today and then another reading for a play at the unicorn in may. also u:bug:me begins soon. i am looking forward to hearing some additional violin playing going on again...it's been awhile since the last role that he played it for.

otherwise we are not sure what next season has in store for him. he has had some auditions lately and has some call-backs scheduled and more auditions. so he waits.

my weekend will be (solo again)...

• bare at the unicorn theatre
• maybe yard sales (if it ever quits raining)
• hopefully cleaning
• soup (the only thing i have an appetite for)
• it's national scrapbooking day/weekend too...hopefully my motivation returns
• finalizing my trip to colorado (flying on southwest? renting a car? staying a week)

Have a wonderful weekend. Thank you for everything you've already done, whether it's been sitting with me, making me soup, phone calls, cards & emails, facebook messages, blog comments, texts and prayers. You've defended the silver lining. And I appreciate all of it.

much love.

the other shoe...

My weekend took a twist I wasn't expecting. What are we ever expecting?

I found out Saturday night. My paternal grandmother was dx'd with stage IV active colon cancer. She's in her early 70's. We will find out the prognosis on Tuesday.

So probably needless to say, I didn't achieve the sleep I was hoping for. I am not sure much of what I did this weekend, besides walking around like a zombie.

i <3 my life...

"I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too. Thursday I don't care about you, it's Friday, I'm in love." -The Cure

Today started out right. I brought surprise cinnamon rolls to my clients. They were very happy (& frosting covered)! Then I realized I forgot my planner...this is bad. I actually might as well not even be at work.

Without my planner I am useless. This makes me think I should succumb to my company's pressure to get a blackberry. I realize my incapability to "turn off" from work, so a blackberry has always been an addictive thought that I shouldn't pursue. Although as I sit here and worry that I may have an afternoon meeting, blackberry is looking more and more attractive.

I am nearing the anniversary of moving to Kansas City & taking my job, and I feel so blessed lately. I am truly in love with Kansas City, love my company...now to move into the perfect (for now) apartment!

Don't get me wrong. My apartment now is nearly perfect...is in a beautiful neighborhood, a stones throw from the Plaza. Totally safe. But it's the size of a breadbox. My bathroom is so tiny the shower curtain can't even hang freely in the space between the vanity and the tub. The kitchen is narrow and has no counter space. And there is NO storage space (only 1 tiny closet).

Turns out the perfect (for now) apartment is up two floors. No moving van for me, just a LOT of stair climbing. Moving to a two bedroom on the third floor. The best thing about the building is how quiet it is and how safe it is. I am so glad that I am not leaving those things behind. Plus the third floor is the top floor, so no people vacuuming at 6am on Sunday anymore. And no more worrying about leaving the windows open at night.

Weekend agenda...Keenan works all weekend, so it will be another installment of dating myself (whenever I go to a meal, or a movie alone for the past couple years, with the tour and then our separate work schedules this is a lot...I think of it as a date- with myself). I actually like dates with myself, I get to pick everything, leave when I want and eavesdrop on others shamelessly. Eavesdropping is hard to do when you have to keep up conversation.

So on the agenda this weekend...

Hair, the Musical
Yard sales
Baking (I finally replenished the sugar canister)
Reading (The History of Love)

Pretty sparse, to allow for lots of sleeping. I need to sleep. And then there's TV...my guilty pleasure TV show is on tonight: Mistresses on BBC America. It's completely soap-esque and tawdry, which is why I love it. Sunday night TV- Brothers & Sisters and In Treatment (LOVE).

I will now sign off of the worlds most meaningless blog post. Have a fantastic weekend, whatever is on your agenda.

columbine, thinking of you...

“Every year feels closer to what I once knew as normal. Life is a shoreline, a wet-dry line between normal and the awkward. The awkward piece is that to return to normal I must walk in the very doors that we frantically exited one spring day.” -K. Leyba, Columbine High School survivor & teacher.

April 20, 1999. I remember being in the crosswalk of my junior college heading from home to class and hearing the words "Did you hear about Colorado?" I rushed into the building where my class was and looked at the television. Columbine. That name tied a knot in my stomach.

My aunt was a public school teacher in Littleton, many of her past students were injured and some killed.

I sat in my comp 2 class wondering what had happened and wondering if my professor remembered her comment on my just-handed back editorial assignment about bullying in schools and violence in schools as something that "wasn't any worse than it ever was just more sensationalized." I wondered if she still felt as though I was buying into the "sensationalism". She told me I offered platitudes rather than solutions and that my writing was cliche (of course all of this was true...I was 19).

We (concerned citizens/people who wanted to reach out) drove around with our headlights on even during the day. As if we were all a part of a large funeral procession. Or as if we could shed a little light on some of the darkness.

Like any other big tragic touchstone in our culture you remember where you were, what you were doing etc. This was different for me. Maybe it was because I was a kid- a year out of high school. Whatever it was Columbine was jarring.

I logged onto the article on msn.com today to read about the stories of selected successful survivors of the trauma. In 2027 the legal depositions of the Klebolds and the Harris family will be available to the public, a judge locked them away until then. I wonder if they hold the answers. My guess is "no". There isn't an answer (as cliche and platitudinous as that may sound to my college comp teacher).

Thinking of you today Colorado, as if on anniversary cue.