i dreamed i held u in my arms

I want this.

tonight is an impromptu date night. dinner at Sol Cantina & then making an appearance at a small get together. too bad my hair is in desperate need of dye. the blonde is beginning to show through. maybe putting it up might distract from reality?! yikes!

and the only word for love is everybody's name

lately...

went & saw the Pixar film Up (w/ Keenan)-- I think I cried an inappropriate amount. Luckily it was the 10pm showing, so there was a little privacy for my catharsis. I didn't know what it was about before going, I probably would have skipped it for awhile.

used Red Box for the first time! rented He's just not that into you. i liked it, despite my sister's warnings that it would make me too introspective and paranoid.

got some excellent thrifted stuff (earrings for grandma, a one-of-a kind chess set, fun stuff for the apartment, & a cute anthropologie skirt)

went shopping for the apartment. got some album frames (for some of my thrifty finds), & some letters for the wall at Urban Outfitters.

caught up on a lot of work on sunday (after most of the day was lost to a migraine). however in my narcotic-daze I didn't save things well and I lost a good chunk of what I accomplished. that will teach me to work on a weekend.

did not scrapbook. or do anything "creative". have not scrapbooked since the middle of april. not sure when the impulse will return. if it doesn't soon i should definitely sell all of my goods.

ruminated on how to make more money when one works a salaried-human service job. i am welcome to suggestions. in fact, please post suggestions!

Keenan's career (thankfully) is not as abysmal. He is now booked until February (3 shows) doing theatre at the Unicorn & the Coterie. Hooray!

ate dinner at Harry's Bar & Tables with Jessica.

Thursday night is date night this week. We are going to the show Speech & Debate at the Unicorn theatre.

fix you

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you get what you want, but not what you need. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?Lights will guide you home.

And ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you." Coldplay

Got all moved into my new apartment. It's lovely. Perfect location in the building, quieter and bigger than the last apt. Now to just accomplish the nesting portion of the journey.

I've spent the last 3 weekends going to my hometown. Trying desperately from 3.5 hours away to keep abreast of the every day there. There is something deeply ingrained in me that says I need to be there, so driving back to KC every weekend is something difficult and foreign.
The worst thing is that there is nothing to do. Just spend time together and know that the inevitable will come. And it will hurt.

I don't feel like myself. Maybe myself is just different now. I think too much (although this isn't any different). As my car continues to fall apart (there are now 5 more things wrong with it) it continues to run a little worse. It makes me think about myself. I keep shuttling all over the place looking the same on the outside (mostly, plus a little aging), but definitely not firing on all cylinders, running hot and setting off all sorts of alarms. Luckily I found someone to fix my car. Too bad we only have ourselves to fix ourselves.

this is not a test.

"There was a secret hole in the middle of me that every "happy" thing fell into." J. Safran Foer

right now it's less than a month after my paternal grandmother died of cancer (which was less than a month after she was diagnosed) i got another one of those phone calls from my parent.

my maternal grandpa has cancer, in his lungs...it's aggressive, they could do chemo, but he chose not to. there is no gaurantee that the chemo would even prolong his life, and it would certainly make it less happy.

i feel like i am stuck in a recurring nightmare, and all i want to do is wake-up. headed to Salina this weekend and next. the whole family will be there this weekend. mom says we "need to make decisions". sounds positively awful. :(

reality strikes back

I had a "back to reality" weekend. It was comforting to try and fit back into the routine again.

• Saw Angels & Demons Friday night (solo of course): <3
• Cleaned (really cleaned) the bathroom & kitchen
• Grocery shopping & Target (the real measure of returning to reality)
• Watched the season finales of LOST, Survivor & Mistresses + a Medium episode
• Extra sleep (much needed)
• Pedicure <3
• Upgraded my phone...got the LG Lotus <3>
• Breakfast at First Watch w/ Keenan
• Cooked my french onion pork chop skillet (still no appetite to eat it though)
• Sorted through & purged the mail, the junk drawer and half my closet (moving on June 8)!
• Coupon clipping

On Sunday night, after Survivor and In Treatment, I felt so sad to start this week. I know I will be swamped at work until at least Thursday (tomorrow is our Luau for the individuals, they are pumped for pizza & dancing!). And it's just another week where I barely see Keenan. Trying to keep my spirits up...

grammy

thanks everyone for the prayers, warm thoughts, cards, posts, messages, texts, emails and sweet phone calls. my amazing grandma passed away Saturday 5/9/09. her memorial service was beautiful and held in her home church in Sterling, Colorado.

thank you again everyone for keeping in touch with me and letting me know you care in this sad time.

unfortunately my family also lost another great woman, a friend of mine and my sister for 10 years Bev Stutterheim. She passed away Monday 5/11/09 while we were in Colorado. It was unexpected as well- I am not sure the shock of her passing has lifted yet. I hardly know what to think.

heavy boots.

"if we don't talk and we don't breathe, then time won't pass, and time's all we need." NJL

i spent my weekend frantically rushing 11 hours to colorado and then feeling the torturous part of love..knowing that even if i am holding onto you i can still lose you. and i will. and i can't stop it.

when there really isn't anything to say i find myself looking for comfort in others words. here's what i've been reading during these days. i'm vacillating between the book i am currently reading and one of my favorites...these words are all from my favorite.

"Why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future."

"In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York is in heavy boots."

"The end of suffering does not justify the suffering, and so there is no end to suffering."

"I hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you do not understand for someone you love."

jonathan safran foer....extremely loud & incredibly close