Monday, November 5, 2012

I wanna grow something wild and unruly

I noticed something in the last month...a kind of confession that brings you the feeling of being a terrible mother:  I don't like my child all the time right now.  I wanted to remedy this immediately, after all I think my daughter is adorable, wonderfully bright and hilarious-- but it seemed like every time we were together I found myself annoyed and wishing for bedtime.  Even though logically I know that time is going so fast and that if I lost my daughter in any way shape or form I would never recover.  But it didn't change this feeling of impatience and annoyance.

Keenan left for the weekend and instead of doing what I normally would, schlepping my stuff and Sloane's to my mama's and camping out together all weekend long I decided it would be a mama-daughter weekend.  To do this at this time was a little scary-- what if the annoyance was there the whole time?

In fact it turned out to be one of the best weekends and it helped me to see what things I can change, and what things are in Sloane's control to work on and what things are simply out of all of our control.

We finally did things that I wanted her to experience, like going to see the big choo choo in the park, collecting and decorating pine cones (she wanted to gather every one that ever fell off of a tree ever), coloring together, contemplating a big girl bed (see above), going down the slide together and indulging in a little junk too (note the chicken mcnuggets and fries).

The root of all of this isn't all about Sloane after all, it's about me. When I am unhappy and doubt myself, or I am over-scheduled I push Sloane too hard, I expect too much of myself (and then of her as well).  It's a sobering realization that you are pushing a 22 month old too hard. After all she's still so little.

Praying that I keep this in mind not only on the leisurely days of the weekend but on the ordinary work days as well.

title courtesy of The Dixie Chicks: Cowboy Take Me Away

1 comment:

morgan at said...

hi, i am brand new to your blog and i have no idea what its like to be a mom but i will definitely be praying for you now. i know that it can get tough/scary at times, but it's good that you can think about it and talk it through. :)
and i love that dixie chicks song!