I do not love you for the way you’ve been exactly what I’m looking for

I love you for all of this, and so much more.

On the first full weekend of June, last year my friends made a drive to my town from theirs to make sure that I was faring okay following the divorce.

 They wanted to make sure I was eating, that I wasn't pretending to be tough.

While they were here we discussed dating. It had been about 6 months of separation (and of course what felt like years of solitude).  We talked about my patterns. And they served me a bit of "real talk."  I had a tendency in my past to choose men with strange relationships with their mothers: either fractured and unavailable (their grandparent or father raised them) or their mother was somewhat emotionally unavailable.

I have for a long time been jealous of my friends and my sister-in-law because they have a positive relationship with their mother-in-law. My last mother-in-law was not emotionally available to me. I felt like in the end she respected me as a mother and as a professional but I never felt she liked me. I am much like my mother in that I try to make occasions special with little notes and cards or baking something, or decorating something pretty.  I tried this for years in my ex-husband's family but they were not receptive.  Also other members of the family treated me with utter disregard and were impolite and rude to my face.

I tried for a long time during our courtship and marriage to win over my ex's family. I believed that kindness counted and that eventually they would really like me and want me around, they would appreciate me and respect my wishes for how I raise my child.

Most of my life I thought kindness and being nice mattered to the point of my own detriment. I often let people abuse me emotionally because I didn't want to cause a stir. Although I had this very strained and almost invisible relationship with my ex mother-in-law I allowed her to stay in the room when I went through the most intimate thing in my life: natural childbirth of my first and only child.

She was there and she never really asked to stay and I didn't speak up. In fact, many times since that day I have been sad that the act of allowing her to be there didn't seem to earn me much in return after it was such a sacrifice of privacy on my part.

So part one of my friends NO COMPROMISES list was: he has to have a normal relationship with his mother. His mother must have the capability to allow someone in to her son's life. He will not be "needing a mother" (i.e. using me as such) and I will not feel that this is my role either.

Not long into dating the man I am with he was set to deploy. His mom lives far away from him and me and he told me that she asked if she could "friend" me on Facebook.  I said of course.  And from moment one of interaction with Cindy I have felt completely at home.

She made sure throughout the deployment that I was faring okay, she knew I was new at being a military girlfriend and so she explained a lot about how things would go/feel.  She and her daughter made sure I didn't get too lonely on the nights when I used to talk to her son. They would keep me upbeat by chatting online with me and telling me funny things about him or including me in family celebrations with pictures and telling me how they can't wait to meet me and my daughter.

I loved Cindy immediately because she didn't have an expectation of communication back from me. I suppose that sounds callous but I am so busy that I sometimes can't message back to people and I am extremely introverted and I have to play an extrovert at work. This wipes me out and sometimes when I've put my daughter to bed I just want "0 people time."  So she's never pumping me for information or interaction she just wants me to know she's there for me and that she was thinking of me.

I felt for the first time in a long time (God bless my one college bf's mom, her name was Judi and even after we broke up and I graduated she sent me a little bracelet with my birthstone in it and a sweet card, I wanna be a mama like that some day) I felt appreciated for just being me. Busy, single mom, crazy me.

And I treasure my relationship with this woman for all of this and so much more.

She asked me if she could print out photos of me from FB and send them to her son in a little WE LOVE YOU book while he was deployed. He sent me this pic and said "my mom is never this impressed with girls I date, lol."

She was sad that she didn't get to be there for homecoming so I wanted her to feel like a part of it. I sent a photo of the obnoxiously large balloon I bought and wasn't expecting such a sweet response. 

This made me feel super special.  In 8 years together there was never a photo of me displayed at my inlaws home.

I sent this bracelet to her for mother's day. 

title and text in blue from Ron Pope, one of my current favorites "I do not love you"

you could shine a little light on everything around you

Things have been a little crazy lately.  Quite busy and very blessed.  Keenan started his new position and so daddy daycare is no longer in operation.  Sloane goes to grammy's all day.  She is very happy to hang out with grandma all day and grandpa on his lunch break.  It's great because Keenan goes to work early and gets off early and I go to work later and get off later.  So I get to spend the early morning getting Sloane ready and off to grammy's and Keenan gets to pick her up in the early afternoon.  I don't regret for a minute moving here, it's such a blessing (and HUGE money saver) to have Sloane in the care of her family all day long. 

Speaking of family...we have been working like fiends on Taylor's baby's nursery (wait til you see the before and after shots, it's unreal).  Everyone is goading her to choose a name, she is having as hard of a time as we did.    I don't think he will have a name until he is out of the womb and into the world.

And this is coming up soon....

designed by Kate at grey square design on Etsy (she's delightful!)

Crazy weekend, I jetted to Lawrence on Friday for Whitney's surprise 32nd birthday party (her husband is a gem, she was so surprised she cried).  On Saturday we hung out and watched KU beat Mizzou (hooray!) and Sunday brought our favorite day...the Academy Awards. I was tickled for my favorite actress evah-- Meryl (although I wanted Viola to win so much too-- definitely the best category this year).  I am slowly (much more slowly than usual, pre-baby) working my way through the nominees.  We are slated to see The Artist (art cinema) this week and My Week with Marilyn (art cinema) and The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo (red box) next week, I believe Hugo will come out soon as well. 

Oscar baby 2012

Who did you think looked smashing? I loved Viola's green gown and her natural hair!  She is seriously gorgeous, she looked like a total movie star.  Green on the red carpet is always a winner with me.

via

I did not care for Angelina's look at all.  She was so posey.  She totally ruined her aloof image.  She should be the kind of star that you should say-- "is that a slit in her dress?" in that mysterious give-me-more way.  Instead she looked so vampy.  Ick. Plus she does not look too skinny-- she looks like a SKELETON.  Seriously, this is honestly a medical problem.  It doesn't help her to be on all the best-dressed lists-- she needs help. 
 
Also this coming weekend--a swimming party, even though appearing in a bathing suit before losing all the baby weight is against my religion...I will be going to celebrate a special day for my favorite family.  And these two little guys:

4 years old, can it be?

Mr. Quinn one year ago
photo by David (daddy)...look how gorgeous Bre is minutes after giving birth.  that should be illegal people.

 Someday soon I will be able to breathe again.  I believe this, I do. 
 
title courtesy of Rob Thomas: Someday

sleepless long nights that is what my youth was for

Fabulous weekend as my 4 gal pals were in town and we slumber partied at my house.  Every time we are together it goes way too fast and we stay up too late, but the lack of sleep is always worth it. 

I did get one gift done. From this tutorial, I found from Pinterest (where else is there these days?) I made a monogram for my brother's fiancee.  It will be her new monogram (in September).  Hopefully she likes it.  I had some doubts as I thought it looked a little mummy-ish.  I did white yarn and painted the ends of the G (other letters without ends would work best) purple/grey (the color of their living room) and embellished with a wooden tag of her first name.  I wish I would have used grey yarn...and this DIY seriously takes forever...9 million wraps later I had this....

Then after the embellishments-- fabric layered flower, pretty brad, and wooden M tag....

I hope she likes it, she hard for me to buy for.  Still have a few more things to finish up this week.  And wrapping of course,  I am a last minute wrapper every year.

title courtesy of Feist: 1 2 3 4

here's wishing you the bluest skies.

I've had a little creative time lately and am trying to savor it because I don't know when I will get any for awhile because we are moving!  YAY.  The job that I mentioned in my previous post called me and offered me a position. 

We love Kansas City (and will miss the people here & close by more than anything) but are ready to make the jump into a different life for our family.  Thank you all for your positive vibes, words and encouragement.  I have no doubt that you made a difference in the situation.  I will be working for about a year and hope to launch my own business (a creative arts centered childcare center--complete with a drama therapist: me) next year. 

It's time to write our goodbye letter to Kansas City, we are about to start a new chapter!

for the baby book
the chorus of one of Sloane's favorite songs

the sticker is from packaging from old navy
it immediately made me think of bre

my nephew Tiernan @ 2...doll face.

title courtesy of Dar Williams: Better Things

blue eyes on a saturday night

Glad I got to spend a little time in my hometown with some of my best girls this weekend (& my highschool sweetheart). This next few weeks of work is going to be murderous and I am going to have to revisit this weeknd in my mind quite a few times to get through it without greying my hair. (Is greying a word? Can it be used as a verb?)

It was really nice to spend some time where I come from. Things are quite different here in the bigger city, and although I love it here, I sometimes miss that hometown feeling.

title courtesy of Kenny Chesney: Back Where I Come From

Take me to the end so I can see the start

gonna see my gal pals this weekend!

Tomorrow I am doing drama therapy (my real career, I am a RDT)at a spring break camp for kiddos with Autism. I can hardly wait. We are going to do an adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are (by Maurice Sendak). The whole session is built around becoming your own "wild thing" and then performing the script at the end of the day. I can't wait for their parents to see what they can do!

Then I am driving my(new-to-me)car to my hometwon for some quality time with my mom and sister. Also I am having a girls day & night with my girlfriends from high school...it is Brandy's 30th. Can't wait to be together again!

I am just sure this weekend is going to go much too fast. And the next few weeks at work are going to be killer- I am moving a guy to the state hospital, moving a couple out of my home and a new couple in, and then a new guy in: lots of training and direct care are in store for me (lots of late nights and early mornings). In the long run this will be great, but in the short run it's going to be tricky.

Have a great weekend!

title courtesy of The Wailin' Jennys: Beautiful Dawn

all this beauty (you might have to close your eyes)

this month at category stories is full of some of my favorite things...

here is our sponsor: the fabulous amy lapi the fabulous prize by the fabulous sponsor our fabulous guest designer, my friend Ashley

my layout inspired by amy's print

title courtesy of The Weepies: All this Beauty

the way you can cut a rug

This girl isn't afraid to march to her own drummer, or dance to her own dj. She's one of those people who sets a goal and then reaches it, and then sets a better goal and reaches it. I am proud to have such a remarkable woman as my friend.

I can be myself, now finally

She says that her first memory of me is of me carefully applying my clear mascara in junior high. I remember thinking that she always looked so "put together". Whitney is the kind of friend that you can say ANYthing to, and know that she is still going to really see "you". She is a necessary part of my heart, non-negotiable. The page I made recently is about how lovely it is to watch her become a mother.

title courtesy of Train: Soul Sister

you gave my life direction

The second installment of my valentine-inspired girlfriend mania is my forever friend Kate. We have been friends since 1995, when we were 15. She is my compass, kind of like my true north. Even though we live in different cities, she doesn't ever feel far away and I know she never will. It's funny to go back and read all of our notes from high school and the backs of school photos, where we scrawled about how we hoped to be friends forever. At this point it is no longer a "hope" it's a given.

title courtesy of Train: Soul Sister

I knew I wouldn't forget you...

Here's to the women in my life. The next few blog posts will be the "soul sister collection". I am taking a break from my previously scheduled program of only scrapping 2009 to celebrate the impending holiday. I wanna talk about my soul sisters.

Let's celebrate love...too often we are looking for a fairy tale when we already have lifelong love. I find some of my best love from my tried and true gal pals. I know this song is from a man to a woman, but I have soul sisters too, and I love the beat.

First in the collection is my bff Bre. I met her when I was merely 18, and not really looking for her (in fact she didn't like me at first she thought I was sappy, and I thought she was snooty). Now, I can barely live without her. We've survived a long distance relationship, being roommates, as well as a million and one life changes. But there's no one I want to face the future with more. She makes everything better.

title courtesy of Train: Soul Sister