Take me to the place where I feel no shame

This isn't a letter to Sloane. Because this is all the stuff that I try to hide from her.

One of my parenting philosophies (which is,at times, hard to live up to) is that I WILL NOT comment negatively about my body, or the bodies of other women.  I do not want to have a 7 year old obsessed with her thighs, or calories, or one who judges others for their thighs. She will receive more than enough of that in the world.

But sometimes it's so hard! Not because I am chomping at the bit to criticize, but as I am trying so hard lately to get into shape (and lose some weight) it is ever-present on my mind, probably to an unhealthy extent.

It creeps into my thoughts when she offers me a cookie, or asks me if we can have ice cream.  It's not that I want to divulge to my 2 year old that mommy doesn't want the added calories of ice cream. It's that I don't want to make a big deal out of ice cream.

I don't want to broach the idea of "junk food" at this time. But I must have made a face about ice cream the other night because my little darling caught that expression and ran with it. "You not like ice cream Mommy?, why you not eat it mommy?"

She knows what she needs to know now. She knows that she needs to eat her meal before she gets desserts. She knows that some foods are treats and some foods are for meals.  I don't want her to view treats as negative, because she's a kid.  She doesn't need to worry about that, and frankly treats aren't inherently negative. Her dad and I are in charge of making sure she gets enough nutrition.  Her grandma is in charge of providing the sweets.

So my prayer lately is to make sure that while I am struggling to get back on track I don't inadvertently steal the joy out of certain foods for my child. Once I am consistently exercising the way I should be again I will be eating those foods again too. I hope that I am instilling the fun of getting outside and  getting exercise   playing together.

I pray that even though I can't articulate the way that this issue affects me I will do the right thing for my daughter by doing the right thing for myself.

I pray that while I work on myself I also take a little time to see myself the way my daughter sees me. She looked at this picture on my iPhone and said "Mommy you peety, you look like Belle." (a Disney compliment from Sloane, at this time, is of the highest esteem).

title courtesy of The Wailin' Jennys: Beautiful Dawn

2 girls together just a little less alone

US 

The year I turned 21 was the most tumultuous of my lifetime, having a preterm baby, going to graduate school, getting a divorce...none of those things have anything on the year of 21. I not only have a mind full of memories, I also have a permanent reminder on my body of that year.  

My best friend Breann is one of those people. The person who knows when to visit, or text or call, or send a card, she has a sixth sense for my depression. And the winter of my discontent  2000-2001 qualified in a big way.  Breann drove from Iowa to Manhattan to stay with me for about a week.  We were both having a less than stellar year, but it seemed easier having her by my side.  And as 21 year olds often do, we had the perfect idea. 

"Let's commemorate this year, our friendship and anything in between by getting a tattoo!"   If there is a type of person who has a tattoo (which I think there is less and less of a type for that) I am not the type.  Because I am a control freak and somehow letting someone mark permanently on my body seems a little out of control for me.  

In fact when we were 18 in college Breann and a few other girls from my dorm went to Lincoln Nebraska and got tattoos and I politely declined. But this year I was different. 

In our infinite amount of 21 year old wisdom we made our decision at about 5pm, went to make an appointment for the next morning and slept on our choice (12 hours is good for a permanent decision right?).  We both got the same tattoo, which we located on album art in a BMG music (remember those?) cd catalog (I was a member, of course, all the cool kids were).  

No we weren't/aren't big Marcy Playground fans...we got the ring of flowers, minus the strange guy

What was I thinking? I really didn't think much at that point. I ran on pure reaction and emotion.  I wanted so badly to be someone who was not myself.  I longed for an anachronism. I did so many things that I wouldn't recognize. This is the only one people can still see.  

And now...it's like a lovely scar. It's the symbol of a million things, not the least of these enduring friendship, of two girls who could have easily self-destructed, but instead persisted.

PS As for tattoos and me now, I have loosened the reigns on my control freakishness-- I want to get this one touched up and add another one with Breann. And I am not opposed to another one, if the well-thought-out mood strikes me.   

Title courtesy: two little girls: ani difranco

you be my sunny day, I'll be your shade tree

Lot's of stress at work equals having to shut myself into the guest room in the evenings and scrap until I feel tired.  I got 5 pages done this week/weekend. That's the most productive I've been since Sloane was an infant.  I have way too many supplies right now and sometimes that hinders my creativity.  It was a lot easier to get started by limiting myself to one of my Studio Calico kits (from when I subscribed *sob*).  Once I got a couple of layouts out of my system I opened up some more supplies.

Thankfully I can go back through my semi-monthly letters to Sloane on my blog to see what was happening around the time that the pictures of her were taken so that I can journal on the pages. Otherwise, I've learned that my memory for detail is shot.

little bald Sloane telling me "more" Mama! 

One of my favorite photos Viva la Sloane! 

Loved that fluffy yellow gingham

Title courtesy of Blake Shelton: Honey Bee

and while she looked so sad in photographs

never want to forget your little voice greeting your little cousin for the first time "hi tiny"

I got a tiny bit of time to myself last night.  I am out of practice, it's not my favorite but I wanted to get this story down.

Other memories for Sloane:  I think aunt Tay will always love you most because when we went to the hospital all of us were jammed in her room oohing and awh-ing over Ledger. When you walked in and ran to aunt Tay because you were the only one there who was only interested in HER. :)

At this point, about a year after his birth you refer to him as your "bess friend" and you both love to see each other.  

Saturday will be a whirlwind of a day at work, but I hope once that's said and done I will have a little more time to get some more of your story down on the page. I've been looking at lots of inspiration lately and am ready to follow suit.  I'd love to lift these layouts:  Ashley Horton & my personal friend Ashley  & this sketch

title courtesy of the 90's---- Nine Days: Absolutely 

art is why I get up in the morning

In all the work chaos, in all the political blathering and state of the city hubbub all I want to do is let out a little creativity.   I am getting excited about directing The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (my favorite musical) this summer, but it isn't soon enough to let out all of this pent up ART!

However, I have misplaced the power source to my scanner.  I just can't photograph a layout and have it be as sharp as a scan can. :)  But here are some recent (as in at least 90 days ago) pages I created.

I really have no excuse to not be scrapping away in the evenings after Sloane's in bed, my dad got us a great portable table for Christmas and I have been itching to spread out all my supplies.

Although I confess I have found the time sucker:  I have a horrible addiction to a trial right now (I know, I know I promised not to get  involved in watching trials again after that circus I watched last summer, and after how I cried for about a week when a jury acquitted OJ Simpson when I was in high school). But I always get sucked in (then I justify this by annoying my mom and sister until they get involved too). So by the time I catch up on testimony it's time for bed.  The defense rested yesterday, so only have rebuttal and closing arguments to go.

Hopefully order will be restored soon and I can get back to the scrap table in the evening.  Just doing these few pages makes me remember that I want to document some of the cute and interesting things Sloaney is doing right now.

So I don't completely forget.

"I want a Hoot-Hoo party and a moon" Sloane circa age 2

A page about Sloane's first phrases including "good guhl"

16 mos. photo shoot (a year ago-- *wah*). Love those chubby arms and calves

title courtesy of Out of Habit: ani difranco (I sure love her lately)

first we admit our mistakes, then we open our eyes

Dear Sloane, 

One thing I knew about myself before you were born is that I have a mouth on me. I knew that I was going to have a hard time not firing it off if someone hurt you.  One thing I didn't know before you were born (long before) was that I was going to have a non-white child.  I was going to have a child who was not born automatically with the societal white privilege I was born with.

And now you are here.  And the thought of someone hurting you with their words, actions or ideas brings a tangible ache to my heart.  But the thought of someone hurting you because you are black makes my blood boil.

Our little city has been in the news lately.  Not for a good reason.  But because one of our elected officials made many racist statements.  And since I heard what happened my blood has been on a rapid boil.

Today I did what I hope to raise you to do.  I wrote 3 letters to the three officials who can make a change to the leadership.

Dear County Commissioners Price & Duncan, 
I was so embarrassed and disappointed to hear what transpired in your discussion on April 2nd. I am from Saline county and have always been a proud Kansan. I chose to move my family back to Salina after living in Kansas City for the past few years. One point that my husband, an African-American, was concerned about was the lack of diversity and lack of acceptance for him and our daughter if we moved to Salina. I, frankly thought his idea was ludicrous. The city I call "home" was not a place that I considered lacking in respect for people of color, even if the ratio of people of color was lower than our home in Kansas City. After awhile my husband was charmed with the smaller city feel of Salina and by what he considered to be a safer place to raise our daughter. 
I am disappointed and embarrassed that an elected official in this county is trying to prove me wrong. His words and evident ideas about people are threatening that safety we felt existed for our daughter. Because you see Mr. Commissioners, crime is not the only thing that threatens safety. Ideas and attitudes can be just as threatening. 
I believe as a public citizen that language is important, but for an elected official you are held to an even higher standard, your language sirs is paramount. Mr. Gile used three terms that are offensive (one within his public apology) and shouldn't ever "slip" from someone's mouth. If those words and ideas aren't in your heart & mind they will not "slip" from your tongue. 
And even more sickening, when he clarified the term "n-rigging" he said "Afro-Americanized". And laughter was heard on the recording. Later he said he meant "jury-rigging", but if he had then why would he not clarify at the moment that is what he meant, rather than "Afro-Americanized"? 
I hope you do the right thing. The voters and the children of this community and quite frankly the nation are watching how you react to this. 
A concerned citizen, wife, mother and voter, 
Shannon (last name & address)

And tomorrow if change doesn't come, I will continue.  Not just for you, but for you in large part.

Now mama's going to try to turn it down to a simmer, she's got other work to do too...But I want to tell you something that a man far more eloquent (and even-tempered than I am) said about this kind of thing.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr

Love you,
Mama

lyrics courtesy of Ani Difranco (mama and advocate herself) Subdivision

lie awake at night till they come back around

via

There's no cure for distraction like your dreams coming true.  For the last month I have been living my own dream as I finally found and landed a job doing what I love all day long.  It has made time FLY by.

Fortunately I work a CREATIVE job now, so I haven't gone home at 5pm everyday searching for a creative outlet (i.e. blogging, scrapbooking, crafting). Unfortunately I miss doing my own creativity and expression.  So I am hoping I can find some balance soon.  Until then, I at least want to leave some photo documentation of the last month.

Miss Sloane got her dinosaur mullet trimmed

Much better

Easter happened

She calls him "bess frien" (evah) 

She loved her blue shoes (favorite color) and wearing her hat

title courtesy of Please come to Boston; Dave Loggins