Wednesday, July 29, 2009

she used to tie her hair up in ribbons and bows

"I woke up from a nightmare that I could not stand to see,
You were wandering out on the hills of Iowa and you were not thinking of me." -Dar Williams

The other night I had a dream that I found an entire stack of old pictures of my grammy. Ones where she was just a girl.
I just can't seem to let the dream go. I keep thinking of one of the photos she was riding a bike. It's funny, I never saw her ride a bike, I am not sure if she ever did.

Guiding Light, my "story", is ending: it's a soap opera we always would talk about whenever we visited or on phone calls. I am honestly emotional about a soap opera that I've watched all my life being over, because it was "our" thing, one of our touchstones. Every night as I watch my DVR'd episode from that day I wonder if she is catching up on it too. I want to ask her if she wants Reva to end up with Josh or Jeffrey.

There's just never enough time, is there? There will always be more that you want to talk about, more that you want to do together, more that you want to say.

Monday, July 27, 2009

cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good...

"Who can take tomorrow
Dip it in a deam
Seperate the sorrow
And collect up all the cream?" -Willy Wonka

Self-mini-makeover week is over. I am happy to report I confronted the ick in my life and have prevailed (at least for now). I also quit drinking pop (again). I do this intermittantly in life and I am hoping to stay on the wagon for awhile.

Plus my diet is returning to status quo. After my grandma died I didn't have an appetite for anything. This became concerning and eventually I bribed myself to eat by eating whatever sounded good. Whatever sounded good was more often than not: sugar. My sister took to calling me "Buddy the elf".

The all-sugar diet was a little strange for me. I've always been a healthy-eater. Sweets never tempted me before. But since May that's all I think about eating. However, in the past 2 weeks I've really gotten back to craving the healthy stuff again. Veggies have made a strong return!

This weekend I ate breakfast w/ two of my besties at Le Peep. Got tons of sleep! Unfortunately witnessed Keenan's purchase of an XBOX (he's completely addicted). Ate a french toast cupcake. Finished a book. Read in the sun & shade at Crown Center waterpark. Got chinese take-out (yum). Watched Entourage & Big Brother & Bee Movie. Picked up a beautiful Banana Repuplic skirt at the thrift store, plus some vintage little Golden Books at a church sale. Plus bought a convertible sofa in dark brown, plus two giant throw pillows. (The living room looks so chic).

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

do it with a heart wide open

from now on, my online gallery will be hosted here, in my own backyard.

better put them in quotations

it's day two of my self-imposed week of self-improvement i am still working on procrastination and confrontation of the icky stuff.

I sometimes get so bogged down in regret and guilt that I am quite literally stuck in a moment. This happens a lot with personal relationships. I can go back to something I said 7 years ago that I see differently now and feel positively awful about it for weeks (or whenever I think of it).

This usually occurs with memories or decisions that I've made that involve people I am not in contact with anymore. So I truly have no way of knowing if I hurt them, or if they've forgiven me, or if they even remember it.

Recently I've realized that I got a little obsessive over some silly (in the long run) things. I know that I did what was right (for everyone, not for "me"), even though I didn't want to do it and it hurt a bit. I expected someone else to react in the same way and when they didn't I felt so duped and angry. My mind immediately turned to "how to get revenge". I am glad I took a few (million) deep breaths before I decided to do any of the things I wanted to do. Because within those breaths I decided that none of those things were within my character. I don't want an act of revenge to define me. Because it's not worth losing my self over.

I've done all I can...but I realize I need to move on. So today I am renewing myself a bit by getting it out & letting it all go.

Monday, July 20, 2009

if words could fall like rain...

as I sat in my hometown church on Sunday I realized what day it was. the first sunday of the last full week of july: the first day of church camp. nostalgia ensues. some of my best memories are of camp. there are particular summers i would live that week over and over if i could (1992, 1995, 1997).

even though i haven't been to camp in 7 years i remember the schedule like it wasn't that long ago. this morning i knew i'd be performing my duties for cabin clean up. and this afternoon as I am blogging it's free time but me and the girls in my cabin would definitely be figuring out what dress we were going to wear at church tonight and how we were going to do our hair. after all,supper starts in about an hour.

so sitting in church, i decided what i really miss about camp (besides my childhood, and my friends from then) is the way it made me feel. i used to feel that the whole year could crash around me because in that week i would center myself and become strong again. i would not only improve myself but i would become courageous enough to hope again. (probably seems cheesy, but it's true).

so if you can't go to camp, you can bring camp to you, right? sort of. i've declared this week mini-camp. I will truly focus on things that will center me...i am not talking about pampering myself or doing yoga...(although those things are necessary too). i am talking about getting down to the nitty-gritty.

today is the first day of mini-camp. today is all about confronting the problems that bring me down every day. the biggest hurdle (in my control) to me right now is money. it makes me sick (literally)to think about and deal with.

therefore, i avoid dealing with it. with the avoidance comes a mess. tonight i stayed at work until my mess was figured out and my budget was dismantled and then put back together again.

i of course am sitting here broke again. but everything is not only being paid but i have a plan and i am feeling much less stressed out. confronting that problem and why it gets that way in my life was a big hurdle. mini-camp got me right over it.

i have not set the schedule for the week yet. i am going to try to let my heart be my guide. i hope that it will tell me what's most important and that i will go from there.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Happy Birthday dear Grandpa!

Let's see...last weekend I scored a great bedside lamp, wall mirror and a vintage reader at the Plaza West yard sales, all for 9$. I got to see Mary Renee and a bunch of other friends at the Foundry. Went to the T-Bones game for my brother Camden's 15th Birthday with Keenan, Dad, Cam, Brooks, Tay, Matt & Maddy (plus 2 of the boy's friends). Watched Cam "sumo wrestle" in one of those hilarious suits, at the bottom of the sixth inning. Played "TV Scene It" with a bunch of friends from Keenan's cast.

This weekend it's my Grandpa Rietzke's Birthday (actually it's today, but we are celebrating this weekend). Unfortunately he has to have chemo today. Fortunately my mom is bringing balloons up to the chemo center for each of the patients! I will ride home with Matt & Maddy tomorrow and it will be nice to see my family again this weekend. Also hopefully I can squeeze in a haircut.

Saw Away We Go last night. It was cute definitley. Super sweet and a little enlightening.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

miss live and let live

miss live and let live
and when they're out for blood
i always give
-ani difranco

Work is awful right now. Had to terminate an employee today. In my year and one month of employment I've had to fire 7 people. This might not seem like a lot, however I only have 7 positions that I supervise. Today I felt reminded of when I was a teaching assistant and I would have to answer "Why did you fail me?" I remember wanting to answer "You failed yourself." Today I wanted to answer: "You fired yourself." But instead I was increasingly cerebral and technical (I get this way when I am nervous...intellucualizing is my defense mechanism).

By firing someone I have essentially just created double the work for myself, since I will now work his position during the days (that I cannot find subs) and my position at night. Not looking forward to the next month.

Working toward forming some new goals for myself. I joined a couple on-line book clubs. I've never done a book club before but I'm hoping it will help motivate me to spend more time reading. I read pretty quickly I just never sit down to do it. (This might be because I find it hard to stop once I really get started).

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

you are my sweetest downfall...

"the history books forgot about us and the Bible didn't mention us, the Bible didn't mention us (not even once)"-regina spektor, samson

photo credit

Started my wall collage tonight (will post photos when finite) and am thinking of adding this way of showing off some great old polaroids (sans the star thing).

I love the tacks and the ribbon and the clothespins. Plus I have checked out some more involved ways of displaying them but I know that I will never follow through on creating them.

Wishing I was going to Texas for the weekend with the rest of the scrapbookers...but I am sure I will have a fab weekend here as well. MaryRenee will be in KC! Also I have a massage booked for Friday afternoon. This weekend's goal is relaxation. Hopefully I will find some.

Listening to my blog music is making me a little nostalgic...missing things I shouldn't, or should try not to. Maybe it's time for a change? My friend Jess would say it's "time for an exorcism". I guess we'll see if I am ready to let the music go.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

there must be a light of some kind

play along

I hadn't scrapbooked since April. Life had been tumultous and the design team over at Category Stories was very understanding and patient. However, it's time to get back into the swing of things. What better prompt to pull me out of my slump than a literary one? So, who would you be if you were a fictional character?

My take is a bit different. I was telling a story to Keenan, not long after we met. I must have been telling it with some ferver because he said "Slow down Scout." I was quite taken aback, scanning the conversations we had, wondering if I had told him that To Kill a Mockingbird was one of my favorite books, or that if I ever was lucky enough to have a daughter, I would really entertain the idea of naming her "Scout".

So I asked him "Why did you call me that?" And he replied: "You are like this little girl always running around trying to shoot people with your tiny slingshot." (Although, I think he meant metaphorically shoot, since I am a bit of a pacifist)

Regardless, the nickname stuck. Now whenever I get fired up about social injustices or even something smaller, I am sure he will remind me to take a deep breath before I get out my slingshot.

"'cause every time i try to hold my tongue it slips like a fish from a line"
-ani difranco