Monday, January 17, 2011

For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

Today is my due date. I wonder what I would have been like had I actually reached it.

Until only a few days ago I was still harboring a lot (95%) of negative feelings about Sloane's birth and the experience we had. I have been working to move past this and only focus on the fact that she is here and healthy now. Some people have even wondered what my hang up is, why I can't move past December 14th. The answer is I'm not really sure. But as a therapist I know that you cannot simply gloss over something traumatic (even if the trauma resulted in a good outcome...i.e. my sister was very lucky to survive complications of her tonsilectomy, which was 1 week after Sloane was born, she is fine now, but she coded 3 times and she cannot get the nightmares to alleviate). Trauma doesn't just evaporate.

However, as I work through my heart's feelings more light is visible all the time. Today a happy little thought occurred to me.

Today is my due date, Sloane, you may have come full term and been totally healthy and I would not have as great of a fear of what neurological challenges you may have ahead of you, I would not have the most intense fear of asthma and breathing...but I would not have known you yet. Instead I got an extra 5 weeks of really knowing you and loving you. I cannot say I would not trade the time, I am not at that point, but I can say that I am grateful for this.

And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends

mumford & sons, winter winds


Tami said...

love mumford and sons and the killer's lately.

I find that when you look forward to anything and it doesn't go as planned, it's hard to let go of the way that "it was supposed to go"

Ashley said...


everything happens for a reason.

Mellissa Rudder, MT, Director, Logophile said...

The universe has its' own logic, which often does not match ours. Regardless of the flow of how and when Sloane came into this world, you are doing exactly what you need to do (and indeed the only thing that one can do) - honoring your feelings, moving through the experience, and learning to fully love and appreciate the gifts of what was given to you, in the form in which it was given to you.