Until only a few days ago I was still harboring a lot (95%) of negative feelings about Sloane's birth and the experience we had. I have been working to move past this and only focus on the fact that she is here and healthy now. Some people have even wondered what my hang up is, why I can't move past December 14th. The answer is I'm not really sure. But as a therapist I know that you cannot simply gloss over something traumatic (even if the trauma resulted in a good outcome...i.e. my sister was very lucky to survive complications of her tonsilectomy, which was 1 week after Sloane was born, she is fine now, but she coded 3 times and she cannot get the nightmares to alleviate). Trauma doesn't just evaporate.
However, as I work through my heart's feelings more light is visible all the time. Today a happy little thought occurred to me.
Today is my due date, Sloane, you may have come full term and been totally healthy and I would not have as great of a fear of what neurological challenges you may have ahead of you, I would not have the most intense fear of asthma and breathing...but I would not have known you yet. Instead I got an extra 5 weeks of really knowing you and loving you. I cannot say I would not trade the time, I am not at that point, but I can say that I am grateful for this.
And if your strife strikes at your sleep
Remember spring swaps snow for leaves
You'll be happy and wholesome again
When the city clears and sun ascends
mumford & sons, winter winds