and now is where I tell you that Zoloft has changed my life and my daughter's life. Now I begin to think maybe my baby was a champ all along and I was just stuck in crazyville. Which came first the chicken or the egg. Regardless, life is beautiful again and I can keep nursing (I did extensive research on Zoloft and nursing, plus I asked for a trifle of a dosage to see if it would work) turns out I was probably SO serotonin deprived (and hello not making estrogen (happy hormone) because of nursing) that the tiny bit zapped me into sanity almost immediately (promptly 4 days after taking it). I know that the dosage might have to be upped soon, the compulsions are not gone but the depression and the anxiety are immensely better. I am working through a workbook in therapy to try to get the compulsions under control.
It was literally like a light illuminating a room that had always been dark. This is not so say I am all "happy sappy" this is to say I am myself again (pre-pregnancy, pre-birth, pre-stressful-being-a-mommy-to-a-baby-plus-she's a-baby-with-reflux).
First sign that I am myself again: I scheduled and carried out newborn photos (Sorry baby bliss that you were nearly 2 mos old when your mama got her groove back), I made and sent out handmade valentines and I began Sloane's baby book. The most important sign that I am getting better is that I actually enjoy being Sloane's mommy. I had always loved her but I am now learning to enjoy her. Not a minute too soon (in fact it's about 2 months too late--hopefully when she has her own child she will not only understand and forgive me of anything I've ever done wrong but she will also see me as a superhero-- which is how I now see my mom).
So without further ado....
title courtesy of: Joe Purdy, Wash Away