Monday, October 25, 2010

here comes that feeling again

If I could sum up my pregnancy thus far in one word it would be: "inadequate", as in nothing has ever made me feel so inadequate in my entire lifetime. Which scares me that parenthood will follow suit.

I would search for ways to feel better, enjoy this more, and empower myself, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. I am too sick with migraines, exhausted from insomnia and depressed with life in general to bother.

It seems when I do try (by doing things like prenatal classes and yoga, and reading mommyblogs and looking for things for the nursery and registering for baby swag, trying to come up with a name) I become more disenchanted and feel even more inadequate.

At least I have Keenan. He is growing more and more excited. God bless him.

title courtesy of the counting crows


mindakims said...

At this point I like to insert something uplifting to encourage the tired, sick feeling mommy-to-be, but alas, my search for truth won't allow it.

I will say this: Being a mommy will be filled with days where you are just feeling too tired to bother, but then a soft little hand will grab yours or you will gaze on said baby whilst asleep and you will be magically filled back up with hope and joy and love.

The best is yet to come babe, and the worst, but for sure the best!

Mellissa Rudder, MT, Director, Logophile said...

Perhaps my dear, it would be more fruitful to focus on what you need, not necessarily linked to the pregnancy. A massage? A cuddle? A new cd or two? Whatever that is, it sounds like it is time for a treat for you.

If you want to talk, I have an ear for you always. And a new phone number. I'll send you a message and we can have a phone date if that would help.

I love you.


ContraWhit said...

I felt the same way during my pregnancy with C. I couldn't get into all that "mommy" stuff.

This time around, I'm okay with the fact that I'm just not into that stuff. It's not me, it's not who I am. I am most certainly a mother, but I don't need to do that stuff to be prepared. When I gave birth to C, I found that I already knew everything I needed to, and that she taught me the rest.

So maybe you have no interest in these things don't need them. Maybe this just isn't who you are, Shan.

It was very telling that in my first pregnancy, I couldn't look at maternity clothes without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. It was truly overwhelming and left me in tears. I don't think it was hormones, either.

I love you.