Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I've been up all night

I miss my scanner lately, my ability to photograph a document, leaves much to be desired.  Additionally, I just do not have the patience for trying to do it better. 

Got a little scrapping in this last weekend.  It was nice but I sometimes long for those long afternoons and evenings to myself to scrap or read.  Everything now days must be done during nap time, or after bed time when I am so tired I cannot even think. 

Sloane and Grammy -- BFF

Tiny Ballerina-- journaling from Tiny Dancer, Elton John

We are entering a new phase with Sloane...anxiety.  Sloane is scared of nearly every noise, things blowing in the wind (or the ceiling fan) and any new object in her path.  It hit the penultimate point last night when she refused to sleep until 3 am, and only then intermittently because of her fear from either a nightmare or a noise outside of her room which I didn't hear and could not identify.  This makes for a frazzled mama. 

Every time I got her calm and ready to put back down the crying and shaking started all over again.  In November (at 11mos) I successfully weaned her from night/comfort breastfeeding and got her to start sleeping through the night, and falling asleep without parental soothing using graduated extinction (Ferber).  I do not think that method will work for these issues so I am at a loss. 

I do not want to start any sort of habit with her, co-sleeping is not something we do (I need my sleep desperately for migraine prevention and having an adorable chubby bubby sighing and cuddling with me may seem like it would promote sleep but for me it does the opposite), but last night desperate for sleep (this is when I always make the worst decisions: I let her fall asleep with me on the couch (she is also scared of daddy's breathing/snoring, and scared of daddy a lot lately too).  It took her forever to fall asleep with me.  This is due (I believe) to the sleep training, she is so used to being on her own to sleep that to be with me meant she should be awake.  Finally she slept at 3am, fitfully, and I slept little to not at all.

In researching this a little today, I come across my fear--
Be a model of calm, confident behavior. When your child comes to you in a fearful state, be warm, sensitive and responsive. Tell him you understand that he is scared, and that everybody gets scared sometimes. But don’t let sympathy turn into overprotectiveness. Many animals—ranging from birds to monkeys—are sensitive to social cues about fear (Zentall and Galef 1988). They pick up fears by watching others model them. Kids are no exception. If your child believes you are worried or anxious, he may become more fearful.
Zentall TR and Galef BG (eds). 1988. Social learning: Psychological and biological perspectives. Hillsdale, NJ. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

How does a typically anxious person turned parent feel about that statement?  FREAKED OUT THAT I WILL RUIN MY CHILD (but totally pretending to be cool and calm). 

Neither Keenan nor I are known for our calm or cool state of being, in fact we are known for the opposite of such.  I try to put on a brave face when I see her scared, what is bubbling in my heart for her is empathy-- I know how it feels to be anxious and I hate seeing her feel that, and I fear that it is showing in my face or my nonverbal cues, down to my breathing and the way I hold her.   
So I am off researching another phase (please let this be a phase), one never stops learning.   Now it seems more than ever I need to learn to relax. 
title courtesy of mr. anxious adam duritz of the counting crows:  Up All Night (Frankie Miller Goes to Hollywood)

1 comment:

Ashley H said...

Yikes. Hoping this is a phase that passes quickly. I don't do good on little sleep!