A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather

When on the first day of your significant other's 28 day in-patient treatment you dream that you were on a ship together and so in love that the other people admired you and then you get separated. It doesn't take a lot of experience in dream interpretation to see what your subconscious was trying to process.

It was just one of those awful dreams where it mostly makes sense so you can't even feel better due to the absurdity of it. We were on a steamboat and at one of the stops we got out and jet skied and we got in the ocean. The water was clear like the gulf is where Nick lives. So we didn't bring our phones. (I have been mad at myself since August that I didn't bring my phone with us into the water because I have no pictures from that day in the ocean). Then we stopped at a chocolatier and got treats and then we were supposed to get back on the boat. I did but I couldn't find Nick. 

All the way back to shore I screamed for him through the crowded boat but he was nowhere. Then I watched 3 boats after ours come ashore and he was nowhere. 

I miss the ability to write him messages. During deployment I could FB message or email and when he's stateside we text throughout every day. 

So I started this and a journal. With all the stuff I would say. I can say it at night on our 15 minute phone time (no FaceTime which is also hard). Or I might just give him to it at the end. 

One whole day done. My life wasn't easy at all in any way today outside of Nick. So if I can do this I've decided to promote myself to "boss ass bitch."  

Title courtesy of Ron Pope: A drop in the ocean

I do not love you for the way you’ve been exactly what I’m looking for

I love you for all of this, and so much more.

On the first full weekend of June, last year my friends made a drive to my town from theirs to make sure that I was faring okay following the divorce.

 They wanted to make sure I was eating, that I wasn't pretending to be tough.

While they were here we discussed dating. It had been about 6 months of separation (and of course what felt like years of solitude).  We talked about my patterns. And they served me a bit of "real talk."  I had a tendency in my past to choose men with strange relationships with their mothers: either fractured and unavailable (their grandparent or father raised them) or their mother was somewhat emotionally unavailable.

I have for a long time been jealous of my friends and my sister-in-law because they have a positive relationship with their mother-in-law. My last mother-in-law was not emotionally available to me. I felt like in the end she respected me as a mother and as a professional but I never felt she liked me. I am much like my mother in that I try to make occasions special with little notes and cards or baking something, or decorating something pretty.  I tried this for years in my ex-husband's family but they were not receptive.  Also other members of the family treated me with utter disregard and were impolite and rude to my face.

I tried for a long time during our courtship and marriage to win over my ex's family. I believed that kindness counted and that eventually they would really like me and want me around, they would appreciate me and respect my wishes for how I raise my child.

Most of my life I thought kindness and being nice mattered to the point of my own detriment. I often let people abuse me emotionally because I didn't want to cause a stir. Although I had this very strained and almost invisible relationship with my ex mother-in-law I allowed her to stay in the room when I went through the most intimate thing in my life: natural childbirth of my first and only child.

She was there and she never really asked to stay and I didn't speak up. In fact, many times since that day I have been sad that the act of allowing her to be there didn't seem to earn me much in return after it was such a sacrifice of privacy on my part.

So part one of my friends NO COMPROMISES list was: he has to have a normal relationship with his mother. His mother must have the capability to allow someone in to her son's life. He will not be "needing a mother" (i.e. using me as such) and I will not feel that this is my role either.

Not long into dating the man I am with he was set to deploy. His mom lives far away from him and me and he told me that she asked if she could "friend" me on Facebook.  I said of course.  And from moment one of interaction with Cindy I have felt completely at home.

She made sure throughout the deployment that I was faring okay, she knew I was new at being a military girlfriend and so she explained a lot about how things would go/feel.  She and her daughter made sure I didn't get too lonely on the nights when I used to talk to her son. They would keep me upbeat by chatting online with me and telling me funny things about him or including me in family celebrations with pictures and telling me how they can't wait to meet me and my daughter.

I loved Cindy immediately because she didn't have an expectation of communication back from me. I suppose that sounds callous but I am so busy that I sometimes can't message back to people and I am extremely introverted and I have to play an extrovert at work. This wipes me out and sometimes when I've put my daughter to bed I just want "0 people time."  So she's never pumping me for information or interaction she just wants me to know she's there for me and that she was thinking of me.

I felt for the first time in a long time (God bless my one college bf's mom, her name was Judi and even after we broke up and I graduated she sent me a little bracelet with my birthstone in it and a sweet card, I wanna be a mama like that some day) I felt appreciated for just being me. Busy, single mom, crazy me.

And I treasure my relationship with this woman for all of this and so much more.

She asked me if she could print out photos of me from FB and send them to her son in a little WE LOVE YOU book while he was deployed. He sent me this pic and said "my mom is never this impressed with girls I date, lol."

She was sad that she didn't get to be there for homecoming so I wanted her to feel like a part of it. I sent a photo of the obnoxiously large balloon I bought and wasn't expecting such a sweet response. 

This made me feel super special.  In 8 years together there was never a photo of me displayed at my inlaws home.

I sent this bracelet to her for mother's day. 

title and text in blue from Ron Pope, one of my current favorites "I do not love you"

you be my sunny day, I'll be your shade tree

Lots of stress at work equals having to shut myself into the guest room in the evenings and scrap until I feel tired.  I got 5 pages done this week/weekend. That's the most productive I've been since Sloane was an infant.  I have way too many supplies right now and sometimes that hinders my creativity.  It was a lot easier to get started by limiting myself to one of my Studio Calico kits (from when I subscribed *sob*).  Once I got a couple of layouts out of my system I opened up some more supplies.

Thankfully I can go back through my semi-monthly letters to Sloane on my blog to see what was happening around the time that the pictures of her were taken so that I can journal on the pages. Otherwise, I've learned that my memory for detail is shot.

little bald Sloane telling me "more" Mama! 

One of my favorite photos Viva la Sloane! 

Loved that fluffy yellow gingham

Title courtesy of Blake Shelton: Honey Bee

and while she looked so sad in photographs

never want to forget your little voice greeting your little cousin for the first time "hi tiny"

I got a tiny bit of time to myself last night.  I am out of practice, it's not my favorite but I wanted to get this story down.

Other memories for Sloane:  I think aunt Tay will always love you most because when we went to the hospital all of us were jammed in her room oohing and awh-ing over Ledger. When you walked in and ran to aunt Tay because you were the only one there who was only interested in HER. :)

At this point, about a year after his birth you refer to him as your "bess friend" and you both love to see each other.  

Saturday will be a whirlwind of a day at work, but I hope once that's said and done I will have a little more time to get some more of your story down on the page. I've been looking at lots of inspiration lately and am ready to follow suit.  I'd love to lift these layouts:  Ashley Horton & my personal friend Ashley  & this sketch

title courtesy of the 90's---- Nine Days: Absolutely 

art is why I get up in the morning

In all the work chaos, in all the political blathering and state of the city hubbub all I want to do is let out a little creativity.   I am getting excited about directing The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (my favorite musical) this summer, but it isn't soon enough to let out all of this pent up ART!

However, I have misplaced the power source to my scanner.  I just can't photograph a layout and have it be as sharp as a scan can. :)  But here are some recent (as in at least 90 days ago) pages I created.

I really have no excuse to not be scrapping away in the evenings after Sloane's in bed, my dad got us a great portable table for Christmas and I have been itching to spread out all my supplies.

Although I confess I have found the time sucker:  I have a horrible addiction to a trial right now (I know, I know I promised not to get  involved in watching trials again after that circus I watched last summer, and after how I cried for about a week when a jury acquitted OJ Simpson when I was in high school). But I always get sucked in (then I justify this by annoying my mom and sister until they get involved too). So by the time I catch up on testimony it's time for bed.  The defense rested yesterday, so only have rebuttal and closing arguments to go.

Hopefully order will be restored soon and I can get back to the scrap table in the evening.  Just doing these few pages makes me remember that I want to document some of the cute and interesting things Sloaney is doing right now.

So I don't completely forget.

"I want a Hoot-Hoo party and a moon" Sloane circa age 2

A page about Sloane's first phrases including "good guhl"

16 mos. photo shoot (a year ago-- *wah*). Love those chubby arms and calves

title courtesy of Out of Habit: ani difranco (I sure love her lately)

first we admit our mistakes, then we open our eyes

Dear Sloane, 

One thing I knew about myself before you were born is that I have a mouth on me. I knew that I was going to have a hard time not firing it off if someone hurt you.  One thing I didn't know before you were born (long before) was that I was going to have a non-white child.  I was going to have a child who was not born automatically with the societal white privilege I was born with.

And now you are here.  And the thought of someone hurting you with their words, actions or ideas brings a tangible ache to my heart.  But the thought of someone hurting you because you are black makes my blood boil.

Our little city has been in the news lately.  Not for a good reason.  But because one of our elected officials made many racist statements.  And since I heard what happened my blood has been on a rapid boil.

Today I did what I hope to raise you to do.  I wrote 3 letters to the three officials who can make a change to the leadership.

Dear County Commissioners Price & Duncan, 
I was so embarrassed and disappointed to hear what transpired in your discussion on April 2nd. I am from Saline county and have always been a proud Kansan. I chose to move my family back to Salina after living in Kansas City for the past few years. One point that my husband, an African-American, was concerned about was the lack of diversity and lack of acceptance for him and our daughter if we moved to Salina. I, frankly thought his idea was ludicrous. The city I call "home" was not a place that I considered lacking in respect for people of color, even if the ratio of people of color was lower than our home in Kansas City. After awhile my husband was charmed with the smaller city feel of Salina and by what he considered to be a safer place to raise our daughter. 
I am disappointed and embarrassed that an elected official in this county is trying to prove me wrong. His words and evident ideas about people are threatening that safety we felt existed for our daughter. Because you see Mr. Commissioners, crime is not the only thing that threatens safety. Ideas and attitudes can be just as threatening. 
I believe as a public citizen that language is important, but for an elected official you are held to an even higher standard, your language sirs is paramount. Mr. Gile used three terms that are offensive (one within his public apology) and shouldn't ever "slip" from someone's mouth. If those words and ideas aren't in your heart & mind they will not "slip" from your tongue. 
And even more sickening, when he clarified the term "n-rigging" he said "Afro-Americanized". And laughter was heard on the recording. Later he said he meant "jury-rigging", but if he had then why would he not clarify at the moment that is what he meant, rather than "Afro-Americanized"? 
I hope you do the right thing. The voters and the children of this community and quite frankly the nation are watching how you react to this. 
A concerned citizen, wife, mother and voter, 
Shannon (last name & address)

And tomorrow if change doesn't come, I will continue.  Not just for you, but for you in large part.

Now mama's going to try to turn it down to a simmer, she's got other work to do too...But I want to tell you something that a man far more eloquent (and even-tempered than I am) said about this kind of thing.

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr

Love you,
Mama

lyrics courtesy of Ani Difranco (mama and advocate herself) Subdivision

lie awake at night till they come back around

via

There's no cure for distraction like your dreams coming true.  For the last month I have been living my own dream as I finally found and landed a job doing what I love all day long.  It has made time FLY by.

Fortunately I work a CREATIVE job now, so I haven't gone home at 5pm everyday searching for a creative outlet (i.e. blogging, scrapbooking, crafting). Unfortunately I miss doing my own creativity and expression.  So I am hoping I can find some balance soon.  Until then, I at least want to leave some photo documentation of the last month.

Miss Sloane got her dinosaur mullet trimmed

Much better

Easter happened

She calls him "bess frien" (evah) 

She loved her blue shoes (favorite color) and wearing her hat

title courtesy of Please come to Boston; Dave Loggins